I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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