It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I think I just sharted jello shots
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