When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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