Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
