I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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