I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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