Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
