ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
