You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
