I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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