dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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