I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
