recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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