Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
