yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
