the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
