your parents love me but you hate me
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
