Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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