I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
