Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
