Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
