I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
