One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
