I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
