I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
