i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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