im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
