Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
