The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
