you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
