Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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