Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
