i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
