Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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