The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
