oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
