I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
