You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
