I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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