2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
