We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
