I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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