THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
