It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
