even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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