You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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