I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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