Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
