Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
