what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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