i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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