Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
