Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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