Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
