He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
