I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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