I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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