Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
