So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
